How to Be a Mistress

Becoming a mistress to a married man is not something to enter into lightly. There are no "right reasons" to induce someone to engage in an affair with you. But, most often it is the married man who does the inducing. If he loves you, and you love him, he should simply separate and divorce his wife to be with you. But sometimes that is not the best thing for everyone. If he isn't prepared to do that, then rest assured that he loves his wife, and you are someone dispensable. Do not make the mistake of equating sex with love. Therefore, don't assume that if he is having sex with you, he loves you and doesn't love her, when the complete opposite can be true. Men can love their wives and sleep with someone else. Having an affair with a married man is not a game. It is a commitment with a very high price tag. People can, and usually do, get hurt.


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    Question your motives very carefully. If you find a mutual attraction with a married man ask yourself if you really want to pursue this relationship knowing that you will spend holidays alone and that you will always take a back seat to his family.
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    Be discreet. Realize that if you do anything to cause his wife to discover your secret, he will only hate you for it and you will likely lose him.
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    Be prepared to have to work harder than his wife to hold onto him. You are dispensable. She is not. She gets half his assets if they divorce. He has worked hard for what he has attained and hates the thought of losing it. His kids need him, and if he is the kind of man you think he is, he will not want to hurt his children.
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    Make your time together unforgettable. This means the fun, non-committal things such as mind-blowing intimacy, indulgent fantasies, and listening when he needs to talk. These are the things he wants from you. Be his fantasy girl. He has enough reality in his life.
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    Grant him the unconditional love he desires. If you really want to hold onto him, you must accept that commitment is not to be. This does not mean you become a doormat. Long-lasting affairs are built on trust, intimacy and respect, just as any good relationship is. Usually long-term affairs are affairs of the intellect as well as affairs of the heart and body.
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    Keep some personal time and space. Make sure he understands and respects that you have a life outside of him. You are not his servant; you are his respected lover and confidant.
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    Manipulating, threatening to disclose the affair and childish games and antics only make you look immature and threatened, and certainly aren't attractive. They will only serve to make him question why he's hooked up with such a nut case.
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    Although you are probably insanely jealous of his wife, resist the urge to demean her in front of him. First of all, there is no need - after all, YOU are the one trying to take something that isn't yours, so you're in no position to judge her; secondly it makes you look catty and insecure. There is no reason to be angry at the wife for being what caught his eye FIRST.
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    Imagine how you would feel if someone slept with your husband, the father of your children, and put yourself in their shoes and ask yourself why you are doing something so painful and tearing an innocent family apart...the term home wrecker was invented for a reason.
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    Look for the love that you want and deserve in a relationship that is HEALTHY and has PROMISE - this one doesn't. He won't leave her for are second best and need to accept that position...or you can just go and find love the traditional way....
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    Don't break any hearts!
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    Be aware that in this day and age of violence, that if the offended wife finds out, your life could be in danger. Are you willing to risk this? Are you willing to be exposed to everyone that you know that you are an adulteress? Be mindful that a jealous woman researches better than the FBI. She will find out and expose you.


  • It helps to be a very independent woman who thrives on challenges and enjoys being alone.
  • If during your affair, you meet a man of boyfriend material, grab the chance with both hands as in all likelihood your married man will never leave his wife.
  • Everything you tell him should be an ego-booster. Do not criticize him under any circumstances.
  • Look at what you have as more of an arrangement than a relationship. You cannot ask a married man to be your boyfriend, because he is just not available to fulfill that role. You have to accept that you are sharing him.
  • Leave no trails- it may feel good to read and re-read letters/sms/notes but it WILL lead you to getting caught.
  • Set up a joint web-based email address for untraceable flirtatious emails and pictures.
  • If you truly care about each other, cultivate a beautiful friendship that most likely will outlive (and maybe even replace) the initial newness and excitement that don't really amount to much in the long term. Keeping it meaningful keeps it from being trivial and "dirty". If there is no genuine care and concern then perhaps reconsider.
  • Never call/text or any form of contact when he is home with her. Let him contact you. If he contacts you first, this ensures that it is safe to talk.


  • The more you expect from an extra marital affair, the more likely you are to be disappointed.
  • This will not turn out well. Even if he leaves his wife for you, how can you trust him not to find another mistress?
  • The likelihood of getting hurt is very high. Most married men will not leave their spouse unless they get caught. Even then, they may try to work things out with her, which usually means leaving you behind. If you try to "break- them-up" you will become the enemy to him and lose him, even if she leaves him.
  • Be careful you may not be as strong an independent as you think you are. You probably will get hurt.

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Categories: Married Life