How to Come Out As Asexual (for Teenagers)

Three Methods:Preparing YourselfComing Out to Your ParentsComing Out to Your Friends

Coming out is a big decision, so it should not be taken lightly. Whether you are telling your parents, or your friends. It is important not to rush into things, and to think things through before hand. It can be quite stressful, but just remember that the longer you hold it off, the more you will worry about it. Before you come out to anyone, it is important to make sure you are certain of your asexuality. Ask yourself, if you are certain about who you are, if you are not sure of your sexuality, then the people you are telling might be doubtful. If you are absolutely certain that you are asexual, then you can continue.

Method 1
Preparing Yourself

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    Research asexuality. You'll want to make sure that you understand your orientation before you are certain, or before you publicly talk about it. AVEN is an excellent resource for asexuals and people researching asexuality, both in its articles and its forums.
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    Read some basic signs of asexuality. Before coming out, you'll want to feel pretty sure about your identity. Research, and try taking a quiz or two.[1] Here are some general signs of asexuality, and if you're ace, you may have some or all of these traits:[2][3][4][5]
    • You don't think much about sex.
    • You might wonder how sex works, physically speaking it, but don't find it alluring or exciting. It's scientific curiosity, not romantic or erotic. Or you wonder why everyone thinks it's such a big deal.
    • You don't have sexual urges, or have them not directed at anyone.
    • You don't see the appeal of "sexy" clothes, "sexy" pictures, or pornography.
    • Arousal annoys you (or never happens).
    • If you see a picture of a naked person, your thought is "so that's how it looks," not excitement or arousal.
    • You don't have sex dreams, or you find them uninteresting, or they are fueled by scientific curiosity.
    • You don't like sex, find it disappointing or don't enjoy it as much. Perhaps you'll have it, but never initiate it.
    • Conversations or book/movie scenes about sex bore you or seem out of place.
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    Consider your age. People may experience first crushes in elementary or middle school, and typically recognize their orientation by their preteen years.[6] If you are in your mid teens and still have no sexual attraction, it is unlikely that you are a "late bloomer," and likely that you are asexual.
    • Try reading expert articles on childhood sexual development.[7][8][9] If you skipped some of the steps, or still never experienced some of the steps, you may be asexual. (Keep in mind that if you have a developmental disability, you may develop at a different pace, without necessarily being asexual.)
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    Prepare yourself for common misconceptions. Most people don't understand asexuality. Here are some misconceptions, and how to respond.[10]
    • Teenagers are too young to know. Straight teenagers aren't told they're too young for dating. And most people figure these things out around ages 9-12.
    • You should try it first. You don't have to try something to know it's unappealing. You haven't tried eating garbage either, but you know you wouldn't like it.
    • Humans can't reproduce asexually. The asexual identity is separate from animals that reproduce asexually (i.e., by cloning themselves). "Asexual" is a word with two meanings, like the word "straight," which is both an identity and an adjective meaning "not curved."
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    Consider preparing an explanation or analogy to describe what asexuality means to you. Asexuality can be hard for non-asexual people to imagine, so sometimes an analogy can make it easier.
    • "Let's use a caffeine analogy. Let's say that men are like coffee, women are like tea, and nonbinary people are like other caffeinated drinks. I don't find any of the above interesting."
    • "For me, sex is like anchovies. Other people can have as much as they want, but I personally think it's gross, and don't want any."
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    Figure out your romantic orientation. Your feelings about sex and your feelings about romance are two different things. Most (but not all) asexual people still want to date, cuddle, hold hands, and maybe even kiss. You may be...
    • Aromantic—not experiencing romantic attraction
    • Panromantic—attracted to people regardless of gender
    • Homoromantic—attracted to the same gender
    • Heteroromantic—attracted to different genders
    • You'd put the terms together, such as "panromantic asexual," to describe yourself.

Method 2
Coming Out to Your Parents

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    Drop hints if you aren't sure whether they'll be supportive. Ask them about LGBT+ topics, consume LGBT+ media, or wear rainbow colors, and notice how your parents react. Do they seem supportive or neutral? If so, this is a good sign.
    • If your parents are strongly anti-LGBT, and you are still financially dependent upon them, do not come out to them. Only revisit this decision once you are completely on your own. Do not risk your physical safety or finances (e.g. college fund). They are not entitled to private information about you.
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    Choose the right time. You'll want a relaxed time of day, when no one is rushing or particularly stressed. Look for a quiet time such as when doing chores together, driving in a long car ride, or cleaning up after supper.
    • If you tend to stammer a bit when you are nervous, practise repeating what you are going to say, slowly and carefully.
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    Ask your parents if you can talk to them. Do this politely. If they are doing something else, it might be best to wait a bit longer to make sure they hear you. Once they are listening to you, start off with something like: "Hey Mum and Dad? I've got something important to tell you." This will get their attention. Then you can follow with something like: "I've decided, after doing some thinking, I'm coming out." Make sure to quickly follow by telling them you're asexual. You don't want to send them the wrong message.
    • Remember, you don't have to say exactly this, you can say something completely different if you like. This is just a guide to help you work out what to say.
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    Expect different possible reactions. Maybe your parents will be shocked upon hearing this, or maybe they will take it in their stride; it all depends on who they are and how they comprehend asexuality. Just remember to give them space to think things over if they need it.
    • Some might be proud of you for coming out.
    • Others might have suspected for a while, or consider it not to be a big deal.
    • Some may not understand asexuality, and think that it is a medical condition or a problem. They may blame themselves. You can assure them that nothing is wrong and you're happy the way you are.

Method 3
Coming Out to Your Friends

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    Decide how many people to come out to, and whether to do it all at once or one at a time. Depending on how much of a private person you are, you may only want to tell your closest friends, or you may want everyone to know. You may find it's easier to tell your most trusted friend(s) first, and have them be there when you come out to others. It's up to your preferences and comfort level.
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    Choose a time when you are together, without distractions. It can be easier to do this as well as you only have to explain it to one person. If you are unsure or worried of how they will react, remember that if they are your friend, they will support you.
    • Noisy or crowded places, such as malls or busy restaurants, can make it harder to have a detailed conversation.
    • Avoid springing the news at an event for someone else, such as a birthday party. This day should stay focused on them; you can bring it up on a different day. Your own party is fine, though.
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    Build up to telling them. When your friends arrive, don't suddenly spring it on them. Briefly say hello to them or ask how they are doing, this can help to break the tension. Once you have done this, begin by telling them you have something really important to tell them. Say that this is something really big that you feel is important for them to know. Then proceed to tell them that you are coming out.
    • Something like this might work: "I've learned something interesting about myself, and because I'm close to all of you, I wanted to share it. I'm asexual."
    • Be prepared to explain what asexuality means, and give them some time to understand.
    • If your friend cannot accept the fact that you are asexual, then don't focus on them. Focus on the people that accept you for who you are, and support you. In time, your friend may slowly start to accept your sexuality, and even if they don't, you still have your family and your other friends.


  • It is important not to just blurt everything out at once. If you tell your parents or friends this way, they will find it even harder to cope.
  • If you are the sort of person that tends to worry about a lot of things, then try not to put it off for so long. If you do this, you will end up getting more worried the longer you wait.


  • You may lose some friends due to them not being able to accept your sexuality. Though additionally, you may gain friends in the LGBTQIA community.

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Categories: Coming Out as LGBT | LGBT