How to Deal With Someone Who Doesn't Want to Be With You

Girls (or boys?), you know how it is. There's a guy who is amazing in every way you want. They're exactly as smart, funny, attractive, fit, moral, and kind as you are looking for. They don't have any glaring flaws, or haunting past. They ask for your number and you get along great. You start hanging out, maybe even hooking up, you're falling for them. Hard. But then, the time comes that you bring up "the talk" and they tell you that you're just not the one they see themselves with. Not for marriage, not even as a significant other. How do you deal?


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    Don't panic. When you're in the moment, play it cool and say something along the lines of, "Oh, I didn't realize you felt that way. I just remembered _____(insert important thing here)_____ so I have to go." Or, "I appreciate your honesty. But actually, I just realized _________(excuse to leave)______ can we actually talk about this a little later?" Or if you're on the phone even a quick, "Oh no, my cat set itself on fire, I'll have to call you back." is better than breaking down. After you've made your excuses, get away quick. The point is to get yourself out of their eyesight and earshot so you can freak out in private.
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    Once you're alone, freak out. Cry, feel sad, angry, confused, hurt, and maybe even a little psycho. Fantasize about stabbing that ex that he is like, totally obviously still in contact with. Get all of those emotions out in the open. Really, just freak out for a little bit.
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    After you freak out, reel yourself in. Think about what it is that made you fall so hard for this guy. Was it his smile? His compassion? Was he extremely fit? Recognize that several of these things are traits you can find in another person. Someone who wants you in return. Evaluate the situation and then make a decision whether or not you can handle the situation you are now in.
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    Decide if you still want this person in your life. Can you be with him knowing that he doesn't want a relationship with you? Is it better to revert to friendship without the benefits? These are things you have to decide on. If you are okay with being friends with benefits, you have to be so knowing that someday they are going to date someone else and the "benefits" are going to have to stop. If you can't handle being friends with benefits, can you handle being friends? It all depends on your level of comfort--you might have to be his friend knowing that he's going to date and potentially marry someone. Can you accept the fact that it won't be you? If not, you might want to start weaning yourself off of having him in your life.
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    Once you've made your decision, talk to him and make sure he understands where you're coming from and why you've made the decision you did. It is unfair to hold a grudge on him just because he was (brutally) honest with you. If you want to remain friends with benefits, you can tell him that you like what you have and until one of you finds someone else, you think you've got a good thing going and don't want to lose it. If you want to revert to just being friends, you have to tell him that you really care about him, and that you personally can't handle anything more than just being friends with him right now. If he's a good person and cares about you too, then he will understand. Lastly, if you can't handle having him in your life anymore, you need to tell him why. Tell him that it just hurts a little too much and you need some space. You will always care about him, and you really enjoyed what you two had while it lasted, but you want something that he just can't give to you and you just want him to be happy. If that's not with you, then you'd rather have yourselves both move on than try to force something that's just not going to happen.
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    Stick with your decision. It might be hard, but whatever you decide on, you can't just change because of a whim. Ultimately, it was better that he was honest with you from the get-go, because it allows you to move on without damaging the past you had with him. Everything happens for a reason, even if it's just becoming a stronger, more confident person in the end.


  • Take your time. Talk to your friends and family (so long as you know that your conversation will remain private). Sleep on it. Don't make any decisions right away that you might regret.
  • Really think hard about your relationship with this guy. How well do you really know him? What caused you to start falling for him? What made you believe that he might want to date you? If he never showed those intentions, it might be the case that you were just hopeful and not actually feeling anything reciprocated after all.
  • Remember to be as rational as possible when making your decision and when discussing it with him. There is nothing to be gained from behaving emotionally or immaturely. It's not about winning or losing, it's about the fact that he doesn't want to be with you in the way that you wanted, and whether or not you want to continue having any sort of relationship with him.


  • Don't think he's the only one you could ever be with. There are plenty of other people who are just as or even more amazing and who also have the added benefit of wanting to date you!
  • Don't think that he will eventually "come around" and want to be with you. You have to take him at his word, regardless of how well you guys "click" (physically, emotionally, intellectually).
  • Don't try to change him or convince him that you are meant to be together.
  • Don't beg. You're better than that, and it won't change anything anyway.
  • If you do keep him in your life, don't hate on the next girl he dates. Don't bad-mouth him or her to her or him or any of their friends. If you don't keep him in your life, don't lurk his social media pages (too often). It will just be painful.
  • Don't try to change to be what you think he wants in a relationship. It's not who you really are, and eventually the fa├žade will fade and both you and he would be unhappy.

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Categories: Handling Rejection